


Don't Feel the Fire

by J (j_writes)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1752788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_writes/pseuds/J
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She didn't cry, and she didn't pray.  She left, and she killed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Feel the Fire

**Author's Note:**

> An interconnected but not chronological drabble series in response to the questions of the [28 Days of Commander Shepard](http://lindira.tumblr.com/post/47588948528/28-days-of-commander-shepard) meme.

**1 // Forget my Name**

The Alliance named their ships for battles, and its soldiers named their children for ships. In turn, those children grew and fought more battles, until the list of names was endless, and the context had all but disappeared.

This was how she knew she was born of soldiers, born to be a soldier, and as she lifted off from Earth for the first time aboard the _SSV Lexington_ , she found herself peering into the faces of the crew. The choice of ship had been a coincidence, but she assessed them anyway, wondering how many of their children shared her name.

**2 // All in the Family**

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that a ship's supposed to be like a family, Commander? Thicker than water, all that hokey shit."

"I guess I missed that day in basic," she said dryly. "Too busy learning how to actually shoot a gun."

"Ouch, Commander," Joker replied. "I'm just saying. Anderson, Chakwas, creepy uncle Pressly. The parallels are there."

She shrugged. "I'll take your word for it. My experience of family is pretty limited to vids." She didn't look at him, not wanting his sympathy. "There's usually an asshole little brother, though," she said pointedly.

"Right," he agreed. "That's definitely Alenko."

**3 // Starchild**

"I can fix that."

They weren't the first words she learned to say, but they were the first words she learned to _use_. Something was always broken, needing a hack or a workaround, and soon the standard suggestion within a certain radius of her became, "Have you asked Lex?"

"Sure," would be her reply, uncommonly amiable, "I can fix that." It wasn't always true, but she almost always found some way to improve the situation, and she joined the Alliance intending to become an engineer. 

The first time she improved a situation by taking off someone's head, her plans changed.

**4 // My Bad Reputation**

"I've heard what they say about you," Ashley said.

"The Butcher of Torfan," Shepard replied. "Catchy, if imprecise."

"Meaning?"

She shrugged. "A butcher is intentional in their killing. Utilitarian. Torfan was a shitshow. I made the call I had to make with the information provided to me. I don't regret it. I do, however, think some of those lives could have been put to better uses."

"That's a diplomatic way of putting it, ma'am."

"I'm a diplomatic person, Williams." She couldn't quite keep a straight face at that, and neither could Ashley.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I've heard about you."

**5 // What If**

"You know," she said, settling down onto the couch beside Liara and pouring them each a drink, "if I'd known that Information Broker was a valid career when I was a kid, things would probably be going very differently in this galaxy right now."

Liara smiled at her over her glass. "I imagine you were a curious child."

"Insatiable," Shepard agreed. "I read everything I could get my hands on, and when I ran out of those things, I learned to hack, so I could get more.

"If saving the universe ever gets old," Liara offered, "I always have openings."

**6 // Keep it Classy**

Her first tactical cloak was a disaster, glitchy and unreliable, snagged off the corpse of a merc when she was fourteen. She stayed up for hours most nights fiddling with the programming, trying to get it to last just a little longer, keep her hidden just a little better. She would walk past store windows with it on, just to get a sense of the level of distortion at her edges, the patches that glitched out first.

It was her masterpiece, her greatest accomplishment, and the Alliance passed her an upgrade like it was nothing but a pair of fatigues.

**7 // Chink in the Armor**

Garrus was watching her.

He was propped against the shuttle polishing his helmet, and she was cross-legged, the pieces of their armor scattered across the space between them like an explosion, similar tints of blue, smeared heavily with green slime.

"Need something, Garrus?" she asked.

He started. "No, no," he said quickly. "It's just - you've got - " He reached out a finger to touch her temple, and held it up to show her a streak of slime. 

"Guess I should wear my helmet, huh?" she asked.

" _Yes_ ," he said earnestly, and returned to polishing his armor with intent.

**8 // Weapon of Choice**

"You _like_ doing that, don't you?" Alenko was eyeing her with something like worry, so she didn't return his look.

"It's efficient," she said simply.

"You're burning them alive, Shepard. Of course it's efficient. That doesn't make it _fun_."

"Look at them, Kaidan." She gestured to the charred remains of the husks. "These were _people_. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner they stop being…whatever they are now, the better. If I can incinerate three at once and not risk missing any of them with a shot, that's what I'm going to do. No one is having fun here."

**9 // Casual Affair**

She woke shivering, and glared blankly into the darkness for a while before asking, "EDI?"

"Some environmental systems have gone offline, Shepard. It is not an emergency."

Shepard sighed and reached for her hoodie, but half remembered leaving it in the lounge during the poker game. She padded to the elevator, yawning as she emerged on the crew deck. In the lounge, Garrus was asleep with his head in Tali's lap, Shepard's hoodie tucked around his shoulders.

"Turians don't like the cold," Tali offered in explanation.

Shepard sighed and settled in beside her, soaking in the warmth of her suit.

**10 // Friends 5eva**

"Do you have friends?"

Shepard frowned at the guard. He made coffee while she read the news, asking questions he wasn't allowed to answer. He usually didn't editorialize. "Some," she replied.

"I mean," he continued, "Anderson sent me, but he's more dadlike than friend. And I've had to chase off your pilot a couple of times. But you've hardly got _any_ blocked incoming messages."

"Four," she said.

"What?"

"I have four friends. Everyone else is…useful."

"That's cold, Commander."

"That's life, Vega."

" _Four_?" he repeated.

"Anderson, Joker, Garrus, Tali," she counted.

He handed her a mug. "A fifth might not hurt."

**11 // Undercover Lover**

She slept with Thane out of fascination rather than romantic intentions, and knew that he did the same. They had been drawn to each other from the beginning, intoxicated by each other's bodies and touch, and when they came together, it was the best kind of release, the kind that dragged everything from her mind but the feeling of his mouth against her, the sound of the rush of words he couldn't keep to himself as she arched against him. Their moments were stolen, brief, but some of the most intense she'd ever felt, and she regretted none of it.

**12 // We Three**

"You're sure about this, Commander?"

"Are you second guessing my orders?" She rounded on him.

Vega shook his head. "Never, ma'am," he replied instantly. "It's just – "

"Spit it out, Vega."

"This is the last push, Lola. You've got a hell of a team behind you, some of them around for a lot longer than us."

"You and EDI have been on my six for the last how many missions, James? We throw carnage and two incinerations at anything, and it's going down." She eyed him. "You with me?"

He saluted. "Until the end."

"Then get in the damn shuttle."

**13 // Land Amongst the Stars**

She looked longingly over her shoulder as the airlock closed. "I’m not ready to leave yet." 

Tali laughed. " _You're_ not ready? They're my people, Shepard."

"Exactly!" Shepard objected. "You already _know_ everything about those ships. The ingenuity you put into keeping them flying, the workarounds and jury-rigged systems! I know this was an important mission we're on, and I'm glad we got the chance to clear your name, but I just wish we had some time to _play_."

" _Play_ , Commander?" Joker asked over the intercom. "We'll bring you back for a quarian field trip when the war's over."

"You better."

**14 // Man’s Best Friend**

She nearly collided with James at the top of the stairs.

"Commander," he said, then inspected her closer. "What are you - " He startled visibly as the hamster's nose poked out from between her fingers. " _Dios_!"

She grinned. "Afraid, Vega?" She held her hands out towards him, and he backed up, shaking his head.

"No, ma'am," he said, sounding offended. "But if we have rats onboard this vessel - "

"There are no other small mammalian lifeforms aboard, Lieutenant," EDI assured him.

"Found my hamster," Shepard said triumphantly, and headed off to her cabin, leaving Vega gaping after her.

**15 // In Something We Trust**

She stayed silent as Kolyat prayed, reaching for Thane's hand and feeling his fingers close around hers, understanding. What they had shared had been brief, flaring out in intensity, and this moment was meant for his son, his bridge across the sea. 

She listened to Kolyat's words, and wondered what it would feel like to have them bring her comfort. 

Instead, she drew her strength from the feeling of Thane's hand in hers, the beat of his pulse beneath her fingers, steady and constant, until it was gone.

She didn't cry, and she didn't pray. She left, and she killed.

**16 // Fire and Ice**

"Commander." There was concern in the doctor's eyes. "You look tired."

"Thanks, Doc," Shepard replied. "Nice to see you, too."

" _Shepard_." Chakwas stepped forward, tilting Shepard's chin to inspect her scars. "You're not healing as quickly as we had hoped."

"As _you_ had hoped," Shepard corrected her.

"You don't want them to fade?"

She shrugged. "I've got bigger concerns."

"The research seems to indicate that kind, selfless actions – "

"Are likely to get you killed," Shepard interjected. 

Chakwas gave a thin smile. "I can't argue with that." She pulled her hand away. "Just…be careful?"

"I can't promise that."

"I know."

**17 // Among Ancestors**

"Oh." 

Garrus was tracing his markings in the reflection of a gun case, looking naked without his visor. "Come in," he said. 

"So any turian could identify you, by those?"

"It's not that simple. There are too many families. But they could guess. No human could guess, looking at you, where you're from?"

"No. It's not that simple." 

"Nothing is."

"Need a hand?" she offered. 

He smiled. "In my culture, you just proposed."

She held up her hands. "Never mind." 

"You can watch. Make sure I don't make any mistakes."

She settled in, tracing his lines carefully with her eyes.

**18 // No Place Like Home**

"You ever been there?" 

She peered down the scope of her training rifle over the edge of a crater at a complete absence of enemies as the fine dust of the moon crunched beneath their knees. She risked a glance over at him, and he was looking at the sky instead of watching her six.

He wouldn't last long.

"Earth?" she asked tersely, and he nodded. She returned her eyes to her scope, scanning the horizon. Enemy. She pulled the trigger, and they dropped.

"I grew up on the colonies," he explained, oblivious. "I've never been."

"Me neither," she lied.

**19 // Down-time**

"You ever think about being nice to people, Commander? You know, just for the novelty of it?"

She raised her eyebrows. "You don't think I'm nice, Joker? Think I should ease up a little? Give everybody a break?"

"I'm just saying, more flies with honey, and all that. Don't get me wrong, I’m all for the Shepard smackdown, but I think there's a time and a place."

"So what you're saying is that I should let Donnelly run his poker tournament."

"I'm saying that, yes, ma'am."

She sighed. "Fine, Joker."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. One condition."

"What's that?"

"I get dealt in."

**20 // NSFW**

She jerked off over James Vega before she ever knew his name.

Back when he was just the guy guarding her door, who would toss an occasional comment her way during the day, twisting her mouth in a wry smile, she would return to her bed at night and get herself off over and over again to the thought of him lifting her easily against the wall or the counter, following every command she gave him to give it to her harder, bringing him to the edge again and again, and then backing off, making him beg her for it.

**21 // Human After All**

"Shepard." 

"I'm fine, EDI," she said roughly. The AI core was silent and still. "A soul," she said finally. "They wanted to know if they had a soul. Hell, _I_ don't even know that one."

"What do you consider a soul to be, Shepard?"

She let out a low laugh. "You're asking the wrong organic. Thane would have an answer, or Samara. Maybe even Garrus or Liara, with their spirits and goddess. Not me."

"The fact that this uncertainty exists even in organics is comforting."

"We're all in the dark together," Shepard replied, and dropped her head into her hands.

**22 // Exceptions to the Rule**

It took dying for her to realize that he was the exception to every rule she had.

She trusted few people, and liked even fewer, but she came back from the dead, and there was Joker, smiling at her like his life made sense again, making her laugh, setting her at ease, watching her back without question.

Their lives didn't allow her the luxury of prioritizing building a relationship with anyone, but if they had, he would have been her exception in that as well.

It chilled her to think that the Illusive Man had known this before she did.

**23 // What’s your Poison**

"Another."

The bartender eyed her. "I know who you are."

"Yeah?" she asked. "Congratulations, you've seen the news."

"Don't you have a galaxy to save?" 

She shrugged. "Maybe tomorrow." She didn't look up as Garrus settled down beside her. "You drew the short straw?" 

"I'm…not sure I'm familiar with that expression," he said. He gestured to the bartender, and a drink appeared in front of him.

She raised her eyebrows. "You're not here to make me go back?"

"Thane?" he guessed.

She nodded wordlessly.

"Then no." He rested a hand against her back briefly, lifting his glass. "I'm not."

**24 // So You Think You Can Dance**

"The problem is," Vega said, "that you have no rhythm."

"I am well aware what the problem is, Vega," she said. "It's that I can't dance."

He shook his head. "I've seen you fight, Lola. You can dance. You just can't dance to music." He reached for her, then paused, his hands hovering in the air until she gave him a nod. "You just need to learn some timing."

She arched an eyebrow. "I'm a sniper, James," she said. "I know timing." But she let him lead her onto the floor, and carefully begin to sway her to the music. 

**25 // My Body is a Canvas**

The first time she stepped out of the shower and caught sight of her back in the mirror after she had died, she ended up hunched over the toilet, retching until there was nothing left.

Her skin was blank, marked only with the same red scars that traced up her arms and face. Her map, her past, had been entirely erased.

She felt a rush of jealousy at the sight of Jack, her life told in bold black marks across her skin, so after the relay, before she turned herself in, she paused briefly on Omega to rewrite her history.

**26 // No Regrets**

Her whole life she had been fighting, learning to judge an enemy's weakness, to adjust for it and exploit it, to figure out how to drag every bit of advantage out of every situation. She'd learned to manipulate data, to kill with weapons and technology, to become a weapon in the absence of any others. She had joined the military to build, and had instead learned to destroy with accuracy and efficiency, and she had enjoyed it, had preferred it to any building she had ever done.

She fought.

She failed.

Her finger closed on the trigger, and Anderson crumpled.

**27 // In My Head**

They built a home on the world where they crashed, clinging to hope in the form of one another and their damaged ship. Relationships formed and dissolved, repairs happened steadily but painstakingly, and it was Joker who took point in the absence of other leadership, his eyes haunted from the loss of EDI and the commander, but his resolve to restore the _Normandy_ made even stronger because she was all he had left. 

A nameplate was made for Commander Shepard. No one hung it.

They lifted off one morning as the sun rose, and they set a course for Earth.

**28 // The End of All Things**

The Alliance named their ships for battles, and its soldiers named their children for ships. She was named for a battle, for a ship, for an ideal from an age that no longer existed, and as she raised her gun and fired at the console, waiting for the explosion, she had the thought that the next generation would be full of ships and soldiers named London.

She had the thought that there _would_ be a next generation of ships, and soldiers, and new ideals.

She fired, and she closed her eyes as everything exploded.

Then, improbably, she took a breath.


End file.
